Here’s a sobering statistic- 30% of the people dating online are actually married. What?! That means that for every 10 people you talk to- 3 of them are secretly married. Even beyond that astonishment- more than 53% of online daters lie in their profile. By statistics, it sounds like there are a lot of liars and cheaters out there. Are we really surprised? Unfortunately no. Here is what bothers me, despite me being a super sleuth and probing journalist I found out that the guy I had dated was lying to me.
You know when you have that gut feeling that something is off? I had that feeling, but couldn’t put my finger on it. He was successful, handsome, intelligent, kind and generous. What could I possibly be missing? I knew there was something, but I honestly thought it was our current times or my fear driving the feeling. Then out of the blue he stopped calling and texting. We went from talking several times a day to nothing. I decided to give him space, but I also had a ‘feeling’. So on the second day of not hearing from him I did some digging. That’s when I found out through records that he had told me an elaborate lie. A BIG detailed fat lie that had tentacles touching lots of areas of his life. I was now looking at this lie in black and white and I’m 100% confident that I had found the source of that gut feeling. The why though drove me crazy for weeks. Why lie about this thing unless you were hiding something much bigger. This lie has even caused me to question if he really is divorced? That is an awful feeling and one I can’t find the definitive answer to which is heartbreaking. The math of a lie: 1 lie means everything you’ve told me is potentially a lie.
Taking a look back at this relationship I see things that I missed. That’s why I’m sharing a few more red flags to be aware of. I don’t want you to be like the swimmer at the beach that missed the ‘Sharks in the Area’ sign. We know how that one ends.
1. Avoidance – Not answering texts that they may not have liked the subject matter or knew how to answer. Also- not answering calls when they didn’t initiate it.
2. Answering a question with a question- This is a very politician way of avoiding the actual question. Example: I’m trying to plan out my weekend – what are you thinking for this weekend?? Dud: What do you have going on? AND then never answering the question.
3. Never meeting anyone in their life once you’re in a relationship or seeing their place.
The deal with red flags, is that they’re patterns over time and not just incidents. If these things happened once – no biggie. When it’s a pattern of avoidance – that’s a problem. Avoidance is a big one for me now. Of course I would follow up and ask – hey you didn’t answer me on this. His reply was always I hate disappointing people I care about, so I didn’t want to tell you. Me: I’m an adult – life happens- just be upfront and tell me when plans change or you can’t do something. FYI- that didn’t happen and the game of me asking and him avoiding just went on and on like a long game of Monopoly.
Every relationship in my life has brought a deeper understanding of myself and taught a new lesson. I am thankful that the relationship wasn’t any longer than it was, but I’m also bummed to be here. Again. The hardest part is knowing that I told my family about him. I take that back, the hardest part is that I really cared about him and feel like a fool. When my family asks I’ll tell them the story, but hate that I carry a little shame with the story. I’m working on it. I know I did everything I could do and was completely honest. I also know that when someone wants to deceive you they can, for a while. Eventually though- just like the X-Files said, ‘The truth is out there.’ Maybe he was an alien or shape shifter? Gosh, I’d much rather explain that then what really happened. xoxo
