After four years of doing the online dating thing, I really should be proficient at it. Not only am I awful at online dating, I am starting to think that I'm just not emotionally built for it. My difficult truth is that I didn't think I would have to go back online to date. I recently saw my redo relationship of 2020 crash and burn in a short lived fiery mess. It was such a surprise ending that I turned into 'that' girl listening to Taylor Swift's Mr. Perfectly Fine and crying while driving, cooking, washing my hair....I can not even tell you how sick of me and my heartache I am at the moment.
I know there are happy couples who met online and have a wonderful relationship today. It's not that I don't think it works for some people, I just haven't seen any proof that it will work for me. Here is what I am accepting about myself; I am sensitive and don't like being in competition for a person. I don't like how online dating makes you just a number and makes the process seem like an episode of the Bachelor. Will he pick me? Will he decide that I'm 'worthy' of another date. Bullshit. You meet someone and you are just Thursday night. I don't feel like I get judged on me alone, but me in comparison to Monday, Wednesday and Friday night dates. I also know and accept that this is the nature of online dating, I'm just no longer agreeing to be okay with it. Also, rejection is the backbone of online dating and that is a tough pill to swallow. Part of my truth is that online dating is a self -esteem killer and I'm just not thick skinned enough to be rejected on such a large scale.
One of the guys I met online didn't turn romantic, but did become a friend. Last time we talked he told me that I am too trusting and soft hearted for online dating. Even though I had secretly suspected this, I was offended ( ironic I know) and tried to tell him differently. After talking through different scenarios, I admitted with some embarrassment that he was absolutely right; I am way too tender hearted for the online craziness. I wanted to be the strong, confident and guarded woman who could play the game and keep my feelings at bay. I wanted to be okay with the rules of online dating and not feel hurt when I was rejected or lied to. The games, juggling, lying and manipulation of online dating are ridiculous. Also, online dating is a lot of work and I am not good with keeping it all organized in my head or conversations. Another a-ha moment, by agreeing to online dating and playing the games I have also been contributing to the essence of the problem.
If you don't meet someone online in this day and age, where do you meet people? Online dating is said to be a numbers game, but I don't have the stamina or desire to be part of the numbers. No judgement for anyone that enjoys online dating, I'm just not equipped for the drama of it all. In truth, I am a little bit jealous of the people that have what it takes to date online and be successful at it. The juggling of dates, people and the ability to keep it factual and not emotional are impressive. I wish this could be more me, but if I don't accept that I'm not built this way then I will keep experiencing the same hurt and disappointment.
xoxo
FOREVER MY MAIN MAN....#CISCO