Saying Good-Bye to My Sweet Boy

This is the post that I never wanted to write. I swear I have been dreading this day since the first time I looked into those big brown eyes. After 11 1/2 years, I had to say good-bye to a big part of my heart this past Sunday.

We all have experienced loss and most of us have had to say good-bye to a beloved pet at one point in our life. Cisco isn't the first dog I've mourned, but I've also never mourned a pet like this. Cisco was part of our family and I agree with grief experts who say that losing a pet is similar to how we experience losing a human family member.

Cisco came into my life when he was two years old and was retiring from being a show dog. His owner was a friend of a friend who was looking for someone to love and care for one of his beloved English Bulldogs. It was the summer of 2015 and from the moment I saw my big beautiful boy turn the corner, it was love. I don't know if I've ever believed in love at first sight, but with this boy I fell hard.

For many years of my life I had wanted an English Bulldog. When I was hosting a morning show in Minneapolis, I would watch videos of bulldogs riding skateboards any time I needed a smile. I even made a Pinterest page with pictures of my dream bulldog. Cisco was my dream dog in every single way, minus the skill of riding a skateboard. When I met him that summer day, he looked at me and I knew he was home.

Cisco was with me through an ugly divorce, painful relationships and a few moves. I was never able to have a second baby, so I think he also filled a strange void left behind that loss. He was the dog I cried to, rocked in my chair and coined the term 'Sunday snuggles'. Cisco never met a hose he didn't try to attack or a blade of grass he didn't pee on. He had his favorite red ball outside and 'Hedgeyball' inside the house. He loved his people hard, protected his toys to a fault and stayed by my side no matter where in the house I went - yes, even outside the bathroom.

I always prayed that God would make it known when it was time to say good-bye. This past year he suffered a stroke, lost his hearing and then lost eyesight in one eye. I thought this is it, but he rallied back with the vet's stamp of health. I had so much hope that we'd see his 12th birthday in April. Then, just before Christmas it appeared that he was going totally blind and his overall health was deteriorating quickly. After rallying back from a stroke I didn't believe that he would really lose his sight or this would be it. The negative turn in his health didn't seem fair, but then again what is really fair?

My final good-bye may be the hardest day I've faced in a very long time. I cried and sobbed at such a gutteral level that I thought my heart was being shredded. I held Cisco until the very end. I watched him take his last breath, and felt his last heartbeat as I held him in my arms wrapped up in his favorite Tinkerbell blanket. I kept telling him thank you and that I love him, and even though he couldn't see or hear me I believe he felt me.

My brain kept replaying the 'what if's' and 'if only' decisions for days after his death. I wondered if I had done enough, could there have been any other answer? What I know is that there would never be enough time and good-bye would never have gotten easier. I finally knew in my heart what was best for him and I made that heartbreaking decision to do it.

I was in deep grief when my Dad sent me a text saying this, "...You gave him a beautiful life. God says we will have many treasures in Heaven. He will be there waiting for you with a new healthy body." I told Cisco to tell Jesus hi and thank you for letting me be his mom, and I reminded him to play nice and share his toys. xox