We Pick Love That Hurts Us
We pick our love relationships based on our brokenness. I have a theory and here it is: What is broken inside of us will look to love to be healed, BUT we often won’t pick healthy healing relationships. In fact, we often pick partners that will repeat the pain of our past. Abandonment issues? We pick someone who withholds love and affection. In our brokenness, we ended up picking people who hurt us. Is their hurting us intentional, OR could it be that they are who they are and we thought they’d change? That’s always a losing battle isn’t it. Or maybe we pick people based on potential and not what is right in front of us. And sometimes, our broken bits pick the narcissist who doesn’t care about us and leaves our heart in shreds. No matter who they are - we picked them. Our part is that we chose them for exactly who they were. That’s what I mean by our brokenness picked them. Healthy people have healthy boundaries and don’t pick or put up with the unhealthy. I personally believe that ‘those’ people are like unicorns and hard to find, but my therapist assures me there are those healthy people out there. Uh huh…wink, wink.
My love life is like if Comedy Central and Lifetime Murder Mysteries had a baby. It’s funny, tragic and unbelievable. Who does that really happen to? Me. Those stories that make you shake your head with wonder are the soundtrack of my life. My part is that I chose those tragic stories. I believe that my younger self picked out of my brokenness, and therefore I had unhealthy relationships. I suffered verbal abuse in my youth and therefore chose someone who verbally abused me for years. I saw dysfunction, and I picked a very dysfunctional relationship. I chose unhealthy partners from the tragically broken parts of me. Instead of looking for the healthy and functional relationships, I leaned towards what was familiar. My therapist, called it the new jeans theory. If you come from unhealthy, healthy feels very uncomfortable at first. It takes a while to break in the new jeans, and what is most comfortable is the dysfunction - the old jeans. I believe it’s why so many hurt people go back to the same type of damaging relationships - different people - same dysfunction. I will say that putting this down in writing isn’t easy for me. I’ve rarely talked about this area of my life, but I’m hoping my pain and lessons will resonate and possibly help someone. I also know that hurt people, hurt people. It’s not a ‘pass’, but it has helped me put my past into perspective.
I don’t believe that any of us are totally healthy. Some are tragically broken in our youth, and we unfortunately pick partners and relationships that repeat our pain. Others have broken pieces in their soul, yet somehow have the foresight to pick healthy relationships. Those are the people that I just don’t understand. I have a family member that came from a verbally abusive household and yet picked the love story we all want to live. How is that possible? The answer… I have no freaking idea. Is it just luck to have avoided the mine field of repeated pain or was there something more? Again, I have no idea. If you’ve read my blogs then you know I picked the mine field. But, what would I pick today? I’m healed/healing/a work in progress from my brokenness, so shouldn’t I chose healthy? Maybe, maybe not. I think my fail safe has been picking ‘safe’ relationships that were seasoned with some healthy. My a-ha moment in writing this is that I picked these relationships to avoid pain. In my defense, I haven’t picked the total unhealthy relationships of my past, but I also haven’t picked the whole heart- ride or die- relationships either. I’ve played it safe. I’ve picked relationships that didn’t require me to give my whole heart. They were ‘safe’, and they were also lacking passionate depth. To me, they became boring because I wasn’t engaging intimately. Ugh. Playing it ‘safe’ probably isn’t really healthy of me either. Double ugh.
My truth, TODAY I am trying to pick healthy, but I will never pick the easiest route to love. I don’t trust easy. I thought I had the great love story in my younger days, but it turned out to be riddled with abuse and addiction. It looked pretty on Christmas cards, but it was just a lie with a stamp. I do believe that I still have a great love story left to be discovered. I also know that ‘safe with a touch of healthy’ won’t get me there. Yes, I will pick from the healthiest part of me, but I also know I will squirm and probably want to run at least a dozen times. I mean, if I’m pursuing healthy then the new jeans will be uncomfortable and I’ll want to tear them off running as fast as I can. Yes, healthy with a touch of dramatic. New jeans love story here I come. xoxo